Microsoft Jokes
Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems.

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many Microsoft support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many Microsoft developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office ...

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.


The Top 10 ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:

1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you just accept this.

4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

6. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).

9. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

10. New seats will force everyone to have the same size derriere.


Microsoft Aquires Catholic Church
Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM hadkept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving 25 dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.


Windows error codes

Recently the following undocumented error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the internet:

  • WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
  • WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
  • WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
  • WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
  • WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
  • WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
  • WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
  • WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
  • WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
  • WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
  • WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
  • WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More!
  • WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
  • WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
  • WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
  • WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
  • WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
  • WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
  • WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
  • WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
  • WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
  • WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
  • WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
  • WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
  • WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
  • WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
  • WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
  • WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
  • WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
  • WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again.
  • WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
  • WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many erros encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
  • WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
  • WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
  • WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available